BLOCK

These two weeks have been my first block since the return from the strike. I am fortunate enough to be placed in a Grade 2 classroom with a bold MT who's also the head of the primary division. It has been a wonderful, yet challenging, experience working with her. Unlike my first MT, the kind of love she gives is tough love. She has a higher expectation on me and is leading by paper. To me, she is very hard to read. I learn through my struggles, and everyday I tell myself that it is by God's grace I stand. God has brought her into my life and there is a purpose/reason for it. I shall not get discouraged by our distinctive personalities or cultural backgrounds. We can get along by God's love. My focus should be on learning how to teach instead of on how to integrate into certain social circles; despite the old saying, "if there's no significant relationship; there's no significant learning." 

The love for kids is truly one of my most valuable gifts from God. They are my support, my inspiration and my joy of being a teacher. I enjoyed playing dodge ball with them in gym class and watching the Robert Munsch's play on Monday afternoon! I haven't had such fun for ten years. I wish I could stay childlike forever and ever! Thank you Lord for all the blessings you poured out into my life. I will learn through your power and power only. 

On the day I am the least important.

Twenty-three years ago today, I was first introduced to the world, to the people called Daddy and Mommy, and to the name Gina; then ten years ago today, I did not know I would become the person I am to be today. I wonder what I would be as ten years from now. 

But a birthday is not the "me" or introspective day. In fact, it is a day to thank God for creating Mom who deceived me. I am awed to know that not only has God created me, but he has also loved me first before I know him. "We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19) What kind of love is that? He took the initiative, elected the ones he called beloved and promised his beloved that his love will never fail. His unconditional love reassured my faith and in him I abide in love. 

Thank you Lord God for the day that you've made. Thank you for blessing me with wonderful families, friends, and my birth. Because coming to suffer in this world I see the wonders of your work. There's nothing I can compare with your love. So take me as my life is, was, and will always be yours. 

Thank you whoever wished me a happy birthday. I really had a good one this year. =D 

God is love; but love is not God.

This Sunday we had a new pastor coming to speak with us. His name is Mr. Yan. My first impression of him is - he is so smily! (I guess I've seen so many sober faces behind that podium to a point I thought all preachers should look the same.) Mr. Yan had a good tone of voice when speaking to the congregation. He started his sermon off with a short story about not to pin our hope onto wrong things. The passage he used for his message was from Matthew 22: 37-40: 

"And he said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." 

(Interestingly I just looked up the first commandment for the kid's Valentine's craft at church yesterday. Plus, it is one of my favourite verses!) 

The points I jotted down during the sermon are: 

1.) We cannot take out one or two verses from the Bible to live on them only. We need to live out ALL his commandments. 

2.) The Bible is not about the four pages of L, O, V and E. 

3.) God's love is tough love. It is not like the mushy feeling in Winnie the Pooh. 

4.) Jesus Christ has never hesitated to offend people by telling the Truth.  

I can see some commonalities between Mr. Yan's sermon and C.S. Lewis' book The Four Love, in which I underlined the quote, " love ceases to be a demon only when he ceases to be a god." It can be dangerous to love sincerely in a wrong way or value love greater than the truth. The main idea of today's sermon was simple and clear: God is love; but love is not God. I will continue to practice the way he loves us to love others. 

Darkness is the time to listen.

Lord, Lord, what is it that you want me to learn in a time of embarrassment and helplessness? What is it that you want me to listen when being alone with you? Have I not confessed my sin? Have I not served others selflessly? Have I not given you my life with all my heart, all my soul, and all my might? What is it you want from me? What should I do to gain your favour and have peace with you? Lord, as you're living God and are real and all-knowing, show me the path of life and direct my steps.

My prayer, or my talk to God, has been found in one-way street, one in which full of laments and sorrow. I like to talk to God; but I don't like to listen. When being overwhelmed by stress or uncertainty, the darkness overshadowed my mind and prevented my heart from trusting in him. Many times I doubt about the chances to overcome the difficulties.

Since when have I allowed bitterness overflown me? Why am I not cheerful when giving? Recently, I miss the taste of joyfulness out of my salvation, and the passion for telling his story. I am aware of the red flags trooping in my spirituality, but I do not know how to get rid of them.   

But our God is living God. He is real and all-knowing. He shows us the way of life. 

I had never let out the cry of my heart about my spiritual dryness to my non-Christian families. Neither had I shared my inner feelings with my worried Christian father. Modeling a "perfect" Christian at home has been the goal of my life, as though I am responsible for their spiritual well-being. Until the night of the incident happened, after I got home, I could not hold in anymore. I bursted out vulnerably and felt ashamed of my sin. I was frightened to accept the fact I'm more sinful than I know. Have I not been a hypocrite? Have I not been prideful about myself? Have I not been worshiping self-righteousness? That night, I let everything out. I told my families I am sorry for what I have been. I told them I am unworthy. Maybe I shouldn't be called a Christian. Unexpectedly, my parents embraced me and told me everything will be okay, as long as I'm keeping my relationship with God. My non-believer mother even wished me to be a joyful child of God. The tone of their voice was so soft and tender that I have not heard since I tried to be so strong in front of them. 

The consequence of my mistake was, however, inescapable. Fear crawled over me when facing the reality. But our God is living God. He is real and all-knowing. He shows us the way of life.  

Next morning, through a pastor's blog, I saw God's message to me. The title of the article was Because He cares for you, a sermon preached on Psalm 56: 3, 4,

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" 

How long have I felt alone as if looking out for myself in living up a Christian life? How long have I been neglecting the truth that my Heavenly Father CARES for me? "We act as unloved orphans when in reality there is One out there who supplies all our needs according to His riches in Glory." God loves us. He sees our struggles and will care for us. Sometimes the most powerful truth for us to remember is that we're not alone in the struggle of this life. 

At my current state, I am disciplining myself of hearing. I am being quiet, waiting upon the delight after the darkness and the gift of humiliation. It is his grace that I can be here sharing my journey with you. This entry was inspired by the devotion one on February 14th in the book My Utmost for His Highest, as well as Diana's letter, one in which encourages us to share our journey with God with one another through blogs. The objective of this blog is ultimately to encourage brothers and sisters to love Jesus Christ courageously, faithfully, and crazily. 

For our God is living God. He is real and all-knowing. And he is the way of life.